Brits in America - Episode 1: Baron John of the Devine

NOTE: This was originally posted about a year ago...but it's worth a repeat. (Umm...I no longer work at Urban. lol)

With the Urban Execs now on my shit list...and far too much free time with my unexpected eight week vacation, my mind began to wonder ...which is never a good thing.

A little background: Calvin and John are both Brits. They apparently worked with each other at another company previous to their teaming up at Urban. Calvin is the big man in Information Technology. He hired on John about six months ago to run most of the department for him and to oversee a few big projects. The problem is of course...well actually you can read my previous posts to become pretty clear on what the problem is. So let's begin.

Brits in America - Episode 1: Baron John of the Devine

"Ahh! Right-O, this chap has a smart suite! Let's make him...err...Commander of the Queen's Army! Jolly Good! He's a Baron you know...that and a silken suite and all that! Bloody Colonists don't stand a chance. Might as well jump off the great rock, ruddy American rebel rousers!" Calvin is surprised as someone nearly falls into his office attempting to knock on the empty opening in the wall where there should be a door. "Merlin's beard! " He nearly drops the resume and attached photos he'd been perusing. "What the bloody hell are you on about then Jeeves!!?"

The man who has just fallen through the doorway stands, adjusting his "smart suite". He sticks out a hand, "John, my good sir."

"John!?" Calvin takes a quick look around the room, then glares back at the intruder. "Ill have you know this is NOT the john! This is my office my good man! The john is three open doorways down on the right...just past the filing department...yes yes...those stacks of boxes by the water fountain! And Ill have you know, we refer to it as the Loo here...not the...the John!"

"On no no! Begging you're pardon governor! My name...my name is John...John Devine!"

Calvin is still distracted by the vague resemblance this man has to someone he'd just seen recently, "Devine John!? Well I should think it'd be as clean as it is...and rightly so! And as I said, we call it the LOO!"

"No no no! We seem to be having a communication problem! My NAME is John Devine."

"A communication what!? I dare say you're out of line Sir! We'll have none of that talk here!"

"Right you are! I do apologize my good man! I believe these sodding Americans may have made me a bit daft!"

The pair have a good laugh after which the intruder smiles revealing excellent British dental work that even the Queen would be proud of...reminding Calvin where he had recently seen the intruder...he looks down at the resume photos still in his hand. "Jolly good! Devine! Why didn't you say so! You're hired!"

Just then there is a loud explosion and flames burst from a nearby server cabinet engulfing half the surrounding office space in a matter of seconds. The 20 or so good looking young American interns crammed into the space run screaming from the area...each shouting a warning to exit as they pass Calvin and John secluded in Calvin's hole in the wall.

"By the Queen! What are they on about!?"

John sits quietly unaware. "On about?" He turns, "Oh I dare say this bunch is a tad tight in the knickers aren't they."

"Yes. Yes. I do hope you'll be able to remedy that problem my good Sir."

"All in good time...all in good time."

"Right then, how about a spot of tea?"

Pinkies extended, they enjoy a Queens cup as the ceiling behind them collapses and flames engulf the Urban Outfitters banner hung over the upturned trash can the interns had been using as a break area.

Alien babies hurling bibles at the heads of the thinker

By now you know what I think of civilization as a whole. It's "all simple monkeys with alien babies". Alien babies hurling bibles at the heads of the thinker.

Civilization hasn't a chance in hell of surviving so long as it continues to deny the obvious. The universe is a dark, dirty, dangerous place. A place of chaos and disorder among the perfect order of the unknowable source.

Past civilizations understood and embraced this truth. For doing so, they survived far longer than our happy little moment has graced the pages of history. Those past survived until apathy over-shadowed the truth they had so long held...very much the place we find ourselves today. Their ultimate demise is ever the more bitter knowing that the purest of light can always be found edging the shadows and darkness.

We stand at the edge of the growing darkness with still the destiny to choose a step into eternal light.

Where those past have failed, we can prevail...but only by the realization that we don't belong, will we take our rightful place as the children of the Sophia. Only with the release of the material will we attain true spark and banish the creator (of chaos).

presidential hand puppets saluting abomination

in the end...
presidential hand puppets saluting abomination
storm troopers devouring religious doughnuts
adolescent veil revealing elemental abyss
obsidian sands extinguishing emerald time
...before the beginning


translucent eyes devour truth,
while obsidian tears rip reality's veil.
death reborn an abomination of light,
leads the thinker beyond the known.
sparks of tomorrow erase today,
fading color from the knower's eyes...a tear.

Ashley's Birthday 2006

Ashley and I had planned her birthday as the first get-together at the new house. Naturally, things did not go well. :)

Aside from my Step-Dad, none of my family made it because they had all come down with something. Then Publix decided to lose her cake order.

Had it not been for the Store Manager and Customer Service Manager doning aprons, gloves and hair-nets...I wouldn't have had a cake for her at all. Luckily, after my pleads of, "But all I had to do was get a cake...it was my only job...if I go home without it I'm gonna get an awful beat'in!" they were able to get a cake together. ;) At least that's what they called it. FREE makes everything taste better though. ;) Course...that didn't help the way it looked. LOL

We still had a good time finally having some company over to see the house though. And Ashley was sweet as usual and took it all in stride.

It's not that I don't like dogs...

Does every U.S. home need at least one dog to be considered livable by its human occupants? It would seem so. By that logic, it would also seem that the average U.S. home is more livable today than any time in its history. We currently own more than 73 millions dogs. Those are the owned dogs, not the droves of unclaimed creatures roaming the streets in packs across understaffed municipal and rural areas nationwide.

It's not that I don't like dogs. I actually do like dogs, but I like trained pets.

The problem is that the vast majority of dogs, at least in the area where I live, not only go untrained, but unsupervised. These are animals, and for animals to be integrated with such depth as they apparently are being into our society, they most be properly trained and managed. An animal cannot be blamed for doing what is in it's nature. The human responsible for that animal on the other hand, is, and should be held, fully responsible.

A dog left untrained and unattended, even in a fenced yard, is a nuisance. If it manages to get out of its enclosure it poses a serious bite risk which grows with each successful escape. Even if it is properly contained, it is going to be disruptive. An untrained dog is a noisy dog. They bark. It's what they do. Contrary to the apparent popular perceptions in America today, dog barking is not music or even entertaining...unless they're singing Christmas carols.

While every individual has the right to own a dog. Every individual also has the right to be able to enjoy the outdoors, or indoors for that matter, free of barking dogs.

I actually read an opinion piece in the local paper a week or so ago, about the subject of animal control. It was directed at another article from earlier in the week...which I missed...but which apparently had stated that stronger animal control efforts were needed. The author of the op-ed piece, basically stated, that the person who wrote the original article was obviously a fascist and a nazi. They went on to explain how rounding up animals declared dangerous by the state and euthanizing them, was no different than Nazi's rounding up Jews and sending them to the gas chamber.

Ummm...yeah...I wonder what the last name of the anonymous writer of that op-ed piece is? Schmidt? Krüger? Zimmermann perhaps?

With opinions like that, it's no wonder the neighbors can't figure out why someone complains when that wonderful little "child" of theirs, which they love so much they have chained up in the back yard all day and night, barks and howls from 11pm until 4am...every night.

Euthanizing dogs the same as murdering millions of people? Idiot.

Build Your Own Universe

Coming to Christmas 2012, it's the "Build Your Own Universe " Kit from Namco!

Well ok...maybe not until 2112, but thanks to the anti-aging pill sure to be out in the next 20 years, we'll all still be around for Christmas in 2112 anyway. Right?

Seriously now. I was on my way home this afternoon and Robert Krulwich comes on the radio having an interview with Bryan Greene . For the next 15 minutes Bryan explains how scientist are already working out the details of creating universe seeds from mini-black holes, which can then be expanded (think Big Bang) via runaway repulsive force (gravity's evil twin).

I'm all for the pursuit of knowledge. I'm all about science for the sake of science. But it seems to me, we learned how to mimic the process that fuels a star and we've spent the last 60 years on the brink of destroying the planet. For decades, we watched the skies daily thinking that every high flying bird was an enemy bomber bringing fiery death from above. That was just mimicking the fueling process of a star...not actually creating a star. Yet even today, we are petrified of every dark skinned foreigner carrying a backpack or briefcase for the fear they would vaporize a city with the previous discovery.

Do we REALLY want to open THE box holding the knowledge to harnessing the power of actually create a universe!!??? I mean let's think about that for a moment. If you create a universe...with a big bang as the catalyst...well I mean maybe it's just me, but it seems like an explosion powerful enough to bring an entire universe into being is going to pack a little more punch than your everyday dirty bomb. Considering the thing that creates this, the universe seed, is only a cubic millimeter in size...I mean...do we REALLY want that hanging over our head? Even if the explosion didn't get you, the fact that a new universe just got created in your backyard seems like it might put a pinch on your property values.

Now they will say that it would only be created under strict laboratory controls and would be directed to come into being outside of our own universe's time-space. That's great, but who is to stop the crazy zealot from blinking our universe out of existence because the Sunday paper prints Beetle Bailey playing poker with Jesus, Buddha and Mohammad?

belong to

v 1: to be owned by; to be in the possession of; "I belong to FitterHappier."

She has owned me since the first moment her school girl smile caught my attention and I fell into her beautiful blue eyes. Their sparkle illuminated my future and engulfed me in a spell which grew stronger with each passing moment of her gaze.

Four years have passed since that fateful day and the magic wielded by her impossibly deep blue eyes has matured with her smile. Their brilliance rivaled only by the heavens. Their power imprisoning my soul, possessing me in an undying love from which I will never be free. For I am owned by it. I belong to it. With each glimpse into the depths, I fall in love all over again.

Mid-Term to the Abyss

I voted for the first time last week since coming back to South Carolina. As we all know, there was a thump'in. I can't say I'm too upset about that. At the same time, I'm deeply concerned.

We needed a change. This country is definitely not headed in the right direction. Economy aside, which may or may not be doing better than portrayed in the media, things just aren't going well. That's not entirely our fault. The entire world is circling the drain to the abyss, but since we are THE power in the world today, we are far from without blame.

How did we get here? Years of PC appeasement and a complete lack of vision beyond the next election.

Politics, and society as a whole, have been on a search for the quick-fix for as long as I remember. We may now finally be paying the price for our short-sightedness. Not only are we hamstrung by the "political correctness nazis", we're completely powerless to do any meaningful course corrections in the near term due to years of ill-conceived policy. From the growing world-wide threat of radical-Islam, to the increasing devaluation of the middle-class, and on to the darkening clarity of the coming storm of environmental collapse, we are a civilization in danger. It didn't have to be like this.

The Republicans needed a reality check (and they've been given one). But being given that reality check by the Democrats? ...to that I can only say, "I think I just threw-up a little in my mouth."

Found a little Gnosis...and I feel fine. ;)

Belief. I have belief, but what do I believe? That...I believe...is a very good question to which I've had more answers than questions.

I started out, as do most from the South, indoctrinated in Protestant based Christian teachings. I rejected that early on as completely contrary to the world around me. So I turned to science, some of which made sense, much of which seemed short sighted and overly restrictive. Then I turned to philosophy...I fell asleep nearly smothered by the book on my face. Eventually, I returned to a more liberated spirituality. A more open and investigative spirituality. I suppose I became a seeker of sorts. Through chance encounters and very deliberate experience, I found some things that worked, some that made sense, but generally I found a group of people left very much wanting. I've spent much of the last few years lingering on the outer boundaries of this community left wanting, but that may have finally changed.

I seem to have, in fits and starts over the last two years, come upon something which answers more questions than anything before. At the same time, it does something much more important than simply answering questions...it actually feels correct. Not forced. Not almost a good fit, which I might be able to squeeze my spirituality into if I hold my breath just right. This time, I may have found the thing that is right, because it is telling me a story I already knew.

I have discovered...or more correctly...recognized the stories and "myths" of Gnosticism, to be those I've known as far back as my limited memory allows me to recall...maybe even a little further. From their belief that all is not right in the world and beyond, to the more personally accurate story of creation, "salvation" and beyond. Even to the very purpose and reason for our existence and that of the universes. It's less a recent discovery than it is a recalled memory.

I found a little Gnosis...and I feel fine. ;)

If We All Vanished Tomorrow (from Mark Morford)

I don't usually just copy/paste entire articles...but I really liked this one. Since most people are too busy to trouble themeslves with clicking a link to access an article elsewhere...no matter how good it might be...I decided to save them the trouble.

If We All Vanished Tomorrow
What would *really* happen if all humans disappeared? The Earth grins at the thought
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, October 20, 2006

Of course you already know. Of course you can merely look out the window and see the traffic and the plastic and the smog and the bad haircuts and the war and the Paris Hilton and the Bush and say, well duh.

But imagine the result anyway. Imagine for a moment that every human on the face of the planet was suddenly whisked away to the divine gurgling ether in one big blast of cheery Armageddon nothingness, all the Bible-waving True Believers carted off to a giant sex-free harp-filled cosmic Wal-Mart while the rest of us leap to the next luminous transformational echelon of timespacelove.

What would happen, really? How would the planet respond if all bipeds disappeared tomorrow?

You can probably guess. Almost immediately, the planet would shudder, shift, align itself anew. Immediately, all endangered species would begin to recover. Light pollution (that is, pollution caused by industrial light) would soon vanish, followed by a great reduction in air pollution, methane gasses, chemicals in fresh water. Soon, all bridges and dams would collapse, roads would become overgrown, buildings would decay, corals would regenerate, most organic landfill would decay and vanish. And that's just the beginning.

In other words, as the fascinating/depressing cover story in the recent issue of New Scientist points out (along with this nifty graphic from the Times U.K.), the Earth would quickly begin to recover mightily from the deep disease that is human existence. What's more, the planet would, by every estimate, quickly become a whole lot healthier, more balanced, back in harmony with itself.

Translation: We have wreaked just a horrific amount of damage and done just about exactly zero good for the place while we've been here. It is, obviously, not the most heartwarming thing to accept.

Perhaps the good news is, with the exception of some nuclear remains, were our species to vanish entirely, most traces of man's existence would wink out within about 50,000 years, and almost all traces within 200,000. Not bad at all, considering the extent of our damage. Pretty much a blip on the geologic timescale, really. Don't you feel better?

Humans are the single most dominant and destructive species in planetary history. But sentient man has been around for what, a million years? The Earth has been here for roughly 4.5 billion. No matter how you slice it, the Earth still sees us as just another fly in its bedroom. A particularly obnoxious one, no doubt, but still a fly. Isn't that reassuring?

There are two ways to react to such a viewpoint: One is to say oh my God what the hell is wrong with us and just look at how much damage we've wrought and the pain we've inflicted, look how much better off the place is when we're out of the picture and what can we do to make less of a violent impact and improve our karmic outlook while we're here because oh my God this can not be good.

Option 2 is to ask: Who the hell cares? If all our remains vanish in a couple of hundred thousand years, does it really matter how much damage we inflict? After all, there's no way to say whether or not the planet really gives a damn one way or the other about our species, given how our entire existence has taken up but a flutter of an eyeblink of time anyway. Hell, we could nuke the whole place tomorrow and the planet would merely shudder and shrug and pause for a few million years and start all over. Right?

How do we really measure our impact? Soulless GOP warmongering oil execs see this planet as merely one giant oil well to be sucked dry. Millions of humans, if they think of it at all, merely view the Earth as a giant sandbox, a mute playground to be trammeled and paved over and drilled into and burned through and sliced up like so much ecological pie until it's all gone and we're forced back into the caves to beat each other with clubs over the last scraps of beef jerky and nuclear Twinkies. I mean, who cares?

I have friends who don't exercise. I know plenty of people who still smoke and drink a ton of beer and get stoned frequently and eat gallons of processed foods and watch TV like it was pixilated cake and the last time they truly got their hearts pumping was when they had to walk five blocks from their house to the sushi joint because their car broke down.

They just laugh. What's the point of eating right and exercising? they say. Why the hell spend all that money on yoga and gyms and vitamins and try to take excessive care of the body when we're all just gonna break down and die anyway? What's the point? Just to live a little longer? Who wants to live to 90 anyway? Why not enjoy life's vices now and let the body wallow and slump? This is what they say.

It is the cutest viewpoint, like, ever. The initial reply is almost too obvious to explain: The point of a healthy lifestyle is not to live longer. It is to live better, right now, in the moment, to breathe deeper and dream more lucidly and step lighter and orgasm stronger and be able to touch your toes and touch your lover's toes and try, just try, to evolve, just a little, while we're here, in fits and spurts and groans and via healthy snifters of Oban 14 and lots of tongue kissing in the street.

It's about paying attention. It's about tuning in. It's about respecting the physical so as to connect more profoundly with the spiritual so as to try and hone the interdimensional so as to prepare, somehow, maybe, if this is at all possible and many, many gurus and healers and mystics and wise ones truly believe it is, for some sort of massive cosmological transformative goobleslamdinglewhap. Hey, it's your choice.

Maybe the planet is no different. Maybe we should take care of it because it makes our lives better and our orgasms stronger and the trees look at us without cringing and begging for a divorce. You think?

We take care of it because it's the vessel. It's the womb. It's our collective body and it's the place that holds us and feeds us and plays with us in the park while at least some of us try to prepare to get sucked back up into the grand Mystery to see what the hell happens next.

But truly, the Earth may not really care. If we abuse her to death, she might merely shake us off like a bad rash, a nasty head cold, a giant whining bipedal kidney stone. After all, despite all our bitching and stomping, we really ain't all that.

But your soul. Your soul cares. But you knew that already. Right?

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Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SF Gate and in the Datebook section of the SF Chronicle. To get on the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one article of clothing. Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive of past columns, which includes another tiny photo of Mark probably insufficient for you to recognize him in the street and give him gifts.

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URL: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/10/20/notes102006.DTL

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